Adventurous: has slept with all your mates

Athletic: flat chested

Average looking: has a face like an arse

Beautiful: pathological liar

Contagious smile: does a lot of prescription drugs

Educated: had the arse shagged off her by everybody at university

Emotionally secure: on medication

Feminist: obese

40-ish: 49

Free spirit: heroin addict

Friendship first: former slut

Fun: irritating

Gentle: boring

Good listener: autistic

Large lady: morbidly obese

Looking for soul mate: stalker

New Age: excessive body hair

Old-fashioned: no blow jobs or anal

Open-minded: desperate

Outgoing: loud and embarrassing

Passionate: sloppy drunk

Poetic: depressive

Professional: bitch

Romantic: frigid

Sociable: fanny like a yawning donkey

Voluptuous: super-morbidly obese

Widow: murderer