“Your veal parmigiana was superb,” the customer said. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.”

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“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the cleric told him.

“For example: Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.” He smiled at the young vicar’s shocked look before adding, “She is my mother.”

The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”

He was pleased at the instant reaction. “But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

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She realized that the best thing to do was to try to loosen her dress so, with great effort, she stretched her hand behind her and pulled the zipper down halfway. When that didn’t seem to help, she pulled it down the rest of the way.

Just then the bus pulled up and, still unable to ascend, she was both shocked and offended when a man standing behind her picked her up and put her on the bus.

Turning, she growled, “What right did you have to touch me?”

The man climbed on and said, “Well, after you pulled my fly down I kind of figured we were good friends.”

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The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence” the farmer says. “This is a special day for me…. I am celebrating”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence!” says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different cock,” he replied.

The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence.”

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A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge adds, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the man in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The man in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, your honour. But for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t fucking have one.”

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After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it—only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.

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The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. “Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,” he chuckles, “my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!”

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After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

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“I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak.”

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“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said Santa, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied Banta.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired Santa, “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied Banta, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

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