I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning”, let alone any “Happy Birthday.”

I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. ”

The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”

I felt a little better. Someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go.

We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure,”

I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….

And there I sat on the couch…….naked.

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After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times.”

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One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating.

“Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, it’s what your mother sometimes calls me.”

“We’re eating asshole!!”, she screams.

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And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “Wow. I can’t believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “I think you’re hallucinating and you should come down right now.”

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up… headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive.

One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this island for months now without a woman. It’s been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?”

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, “Out of what?”

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“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”

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They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “spit it out, spit it out you bas**rd!!!!”

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Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”

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“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup—aren’t they foreign objects?”

She scrutinized his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

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The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars…………..but Realistically,……… we’re living with two Sluts and a Queer.

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